24th November 2007

Rules of the Brotherhood

As dictated by my younger (and apparently more intelligent) brother:

*** To my female readers… OH and my female co-author… Have a sense of humor, or do not read!

Everyone has been in the situation where his friend is trashed and wants to drive to some girl’s house for a late night biddy call. I say ‘his’ friend because girls are dangerous enough when they drive sober. A drunken girl with keys is scarier than an ex with a shotgun. No one is dumb enough to give a girl a license to kill. I bring this up because Tuesday night I examined the rules of drunken friendship on my own. My neighbor stumbled into my room around 3AM and I was left to decide his fate. So I give you now 10 things to consider the next time your drunken friend needs a ride.

1.) You can be too drunk to drive, and you can be too drunk to drive safely. If the person is too drunk to walk then you don’t have to worry about them driving. The chances of them finding their car and turning it on are too low to worry about.

2.) A drunk person should not drive, but neither should a drunker person. If you are also drunk, than you are in no way obligated to drive your friend.

3.) NO GF’s.

4.) A biddy for your friend is good. But a biddy for you is better. Check to see if there is a girl for you there also.

5.) Size matters. No fat chicks .Unless, I guess, if your friend is fat as well.

6.) One drunken ride is not going to help him drive out of the friend zone. No matter how hot the girl is, you can not be a supporter of that kind of that kind of relationship.

7.) Use the scale. If the girl is below a 4 on the official 1-10 scale, then she is not worth it.

8.) Sluts will still be slutty in the morning.

9.) Douchebag law. You can be a douchebag to a douchebag.

10.) Warning, this is the most important issue to consider. If your friend has a chance with a 10, then it is your duty to get him there. Getting a 10 is like sighting a bald eagle in the wild. If you are not careful, they will fly away. But no going to zoos, because those 10’s are slutty. Everyone has the key to that cage.

These are the rules I pass on to you, as these are the rules I used. In my case, I was drunk, my friend was too drunk to find his car, and he’s trapped in the friend zone with this bald eagle. Be safe, and remember, NO GF’s

Ladies, would love to hear your version…

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The Bartender